Thoughts about Paradox in my self

Recently I've been too lazy to document my life. But now I'm picking it up.

I've been keeping myself closed for a while or in other words, enjoying solitude.

Every day after class, I am too tired for social activities, although I like it, but at the same time, I'm afraid of it. I've been living in such paradox for this while.

Struggling with myself.

Keeping myself comfortable is a sign of laziness and show that actually what a coward I am. With my best friend, we used to encourage each other by the motto „Against Human-Nature“. That means, if you are doing something that makes you uncomfortable but meaningful to your future, you should do it against your original will and stick to it. In this way, you are always the winner in the fight with the weaker you. It´s kinda similar to „Stay out of your comfort zone“.

I remember 2 years ago, I traveled around Europe with my mom. Till then I've been learning English for 10 years since I was 6 years old, so apparently, my English is much better than my mom. However, I was really afraid to speak to people because of my English sounds like shit, although I know the trip is a good chance to improve my oral English. Compared to me, my mom, who only know less than 100 English words, chatted with the crew on Lufthansa and spoke more English than I. During this trip, I've been forced by my mom to speak with captains, cashiers or random people on the street. My mom is a very brave woman, good at social and it´s hard for me to be better than her.

Frankly speaking, talking to strangers seemed awkward to me, but I had to admit that this way of talking did bring me some surprises.

Talking to others in this way may seem unusual and strange, sometimes awkward and rude. In Chinese, we say when people do that, they have a „thick face skin“. And it´s also a big challenge to someone who is always afraid of things and tends to be comfortable. When I think what is behind the anxiety, I find out that I regard myself as the most important person in the world. Then a voice swirls in my head——„Who do you think you are“.

Who am I, without all the etiquette or without my appearance? Then what is the difference between me and others? Sadly I can't say that I am unique. I'm just one of everyone. So actually I'm no one. Speaking of no one, I just think about Arya in Game of Throne, the story of no one and the thousand masks. But the problem is, knowing that I am no one doesn't help me to get over my anxiety.

So the result is, I'm getting deeper in my paradox.

Shit, that's pretty sad.